I have no worries...is that a worry???!!!

This post is neither an attempt at relationship psychology nor is it a response to a question in the 'agony aunt's' column... Its my take on some marriage basics..

Needless to say being alone last evening was terrible. And alone here means not being with her and does not mean being “Alone” as suggested by the dictionaries.(You cant claim to be alone in the linguistic sense when you have 6 Adults and a kid at home, can you!!!). It was incidentally the first Sunday that we hadn't met (other than the Goa conference) since we had said “Aye”...sheer bad luck. So when AG called me he was just plain unlucky for having called at the wrong time. After some idle chit chat and some run of the mill Tam bashing that he regularly indulges in he had warmed me up for a nasty showdown. He compounded his troubles by mentioning ‘Standard’ stuff like “You spend all your time with her huh?” “Bas, only 2 months and then you are gone” and off I went. Like a fancy firecracker that’s wick has been lit the heat reached me quick and sure enough there was a lights and sound display (more sound than light and of course nowhere as beautiful). Two minutes of mayhem and then I realised that AG was a 'poor thing' that didn't actually mean to be mean and hence didn't deserve this. I mellowed down and some conversation followed, thankfully on a pleasant note. “Goodbyes & good nights” later I started reflecting on why people ask/tell me stuff like....

“So how’s life after engagement. How does it feel to be have lost your freedom ?”

“How does it feel to realize that you are soon going to imprisoned!! Ha Ha (sick laughter)?”

“Aur, Last few months of bachelorhood ko enjoy kar rahe ho?”

“Anxious thinking about married life…hasn't the loss of control feeling hit you yet?”

“How much have you changed already? Sab badal jaayega yaar”

"Courtship period is the best man...sab theek lagta hai....uske baad its not all that rosy"

I know most of these are said in a lighter vein but its hard to not get the feeling that people think that those who are gonna get married should be anxious about getting married. Do some things change for the worse with this turn in life? Do people enjoy life much less given the loss of carefreeness that comes with bachelorhood. Does the burden of a relationship show on your ways in life? Is there a cause to feel for the lack of independence? In short are there some aspects of marriage that one needs to be scared about?

I guess everyone would have thought on these lines and come out with their own answers. I did too because I wanted to understand as to why I have no such concerns around marriage. Yes I am not worried and its primarily because of what I feel are the basics in a relationship.

I think the crux of the cynicism that people have when talking about marriage and more importantly the difficulties that married people face in their marriages are to do with just 2 things. Change and Influence (and obviously sacrifices that come about because of these two things).

In most of life’s facets nobody likes changes. There might be numerous occasions when we say we are bored with routine and are looking out for something different but those are platonic changes. In truth we are all deeply entrenched in our set patterns of approach to life. We hate to be pulled out of comfort zones. Status quo is sacred. Especially when we consider things that are part of our day to day lives.

The favorite couch in the hall, the argument with a sibling, mom’s special Sunday lunch dish, the cribbing session with a best friend, what one wear’s at home and outside……….. Lots more like those.

But then do we all take the same paths all through our lives? Obviously not, there are aspects when we accept changes rather well. College after schooling years, a new job, friends at the workplace……. And some more. At the heart of these changes that we take to rather well (albeit after initial hiccups) is the conviction that that its for the better.

And that’s precisely the point that I feel needs some thinking.

Marriage in fact brings about the need for some things that one needs to change. Starting with the small matter of the company one keeps for the rest of their life and of course in terms of thinking, behaviour, outlook, decisions, preferences, lifestyle, socialising and the works. In the first place I think marriage should be preceded by a conviction that its for a life that is going to be better than what it is without it. To go a step further one should be convinced that its going to be the best ever relationship. This should be a given failing which married life would be difficult. People who are about to get married might say that its obvious but in fact this is in fact an egoistically difficult conviction to posses for people who come from well knit happy families. “Oh my god. My parents are the sweetest people around and they have given me all that I wanted and I am having a great time with them, how can I be assured that anything could get better than this!!? How can there be a better relationship especially given that I don't know the other person as well as I know my folks” is a common feeling for such people. But I guess that’s the primary difficulty in the outlook towards marriage and all the change that’s in store. Your current life is great and thank god for his mercies in having given you a great family but there is nothing in life that can’t get better. The fact that your partner is the first familial relationship that you chose for yourself should mean that its the best (sorry appa and amma, this doesn't mean you are any less sweeter but this is the truth). The reason I say this again centers around change. Unless you are convinced about marriage setting you up for a better life any change that comes with it will be a liability.

The second part on change is slightly higher up the value chain (I hate using management terms like ‘value chain’ but I couldn’t think of anything better after half a minute of thinking). It requires understanding of the fact there are somethings that I might not feel like changing but might be pushed to change. (‘Pushed’ as I use it here is not in a negative connotation). Actually such changes do not even need rational explanations, for in life there are somethings that do not have rational explanations. I know this would be taken rather cynically by some but for those who are smirking at this the ideal way to wipe that smirk off is to think about some things that you have done without too much of rationale....Want a sample? Do you remember praying to God before the results of the examinations you wrote were out…. See, the point is rationalising doesn't always work….

The other aspect is influence. Starting from innocuous (seemingly) aspects the influence obviously extends to the biggest decisions that one would be faced with in life. And again the conviction of marriage being a positive turn in life provides an easy answer. An influence from my partner is to be considered as a welcome step in the already complex process of decision making. As a means to being flexible to accommodate more interests. It also requires clarity of thought to realise that pre-existing spheres of influence (parents, siblings and friends) are now input providers and not decision makers (sorry again appa and amma but I know you will understand). Again tough to accept but reality that’s irrefutable. Because marriage actually means independence. In this case its the independence of two people who depend on each other. (I know that sentence is oxymornoish). I strongly disagree with the concept of a “Strong partner and a weak partner” in a marriage. I feel people who feel they are the stronger partners (in sheer terms of providing direction) are reserving the right to be Dominant. Those who feel that they are weaker partners are reserving the right to commit mistakes that they don’t want to held accountable for. Both cases are unacceptable.

The good part with both these factors is the commonality of what it requires for success. The Right Partner.Period. All that I need to accept the need for such changes & influence is a great partner. A partner for whom I am willing to change certain things with no pre-conditions of "so you will change that for me?".. without being obsessed about “How I actually am” or “How it actually used to happen”. (as long as it does not affect the values I stand for in life). A partner whom I am willing to be influenced by without necessarily feeling the need to influence. Come to think of it, what would be those things that I would have to change or be influenced on. They would either be things that really matter to either of us or one’s own idiosyncrasies that don’t matter much when one looks at the bigger picture for they are just idiosyncrasies. Does it mean I will be jumping with joy with evry change...not at all... But ultimately will I change convinced that its for the better...Yes I wil....So is it too difficult? NO! NO! NO!

So does that mean marriages wont work if change and influence aren't taken in this light. That is not the case. Most marriages work in spite of these being less than 100%. But then those are the marriages where you feel a sense of loss in addition (“yippee my wife’s going to be away for 2 months”…types :-) ) to all the good times that you experience. Marriages where the idea of change and influence is not reciprocated by one partner are worse off, for one person feels cheated. It takes two to tango.

So that’s pretty much I guess. And I am least surprised that I have none of the worries that people supposedly expect me have about married life :-). I am serious!!! So much so that I feel like recording a standard script and playing it out when next confronted with this enquiry. This is what it would be…

“Hi, Yes, You are talking to someone who recently got engaged and is getting married 2 months from now. YES, it does feel GREAT to be engaged and NO, I am in fact looking forward to marriage. NO, I DON’T feel anxious about getting married and NOR am I worried about losing the ‘freedom’ of bachelorhood. NO not at all, I don’t think I will have a problem changing some things about me and YES I am more than happy to be influenced. BTW I can hear you saying that the courtship period is the best time of the relationship but I wish to strongly DISAGREE because that might be true only if you get to spend lots of time with your partner. In fact I am waiting for the courtship period to end and am sure married life would be much BETTER. And yes, If these feelings change I will get back to you and by the way think of something else as well as a conversational topic the next time around. I have no worries...does that worry you?.Thank you for enquiring and have a nice day”